By Miriah Hager

Determination has not always played an important role in my life. It was a fleeting emotion my mind would conjure up followed by a vague and subtle sense of fear. Unfortunately, the determination I would feel when I wanted to focus on my quality of life would shrink into nothingness. However, that fear of failure I felt was like a redwood tree seed; tiny and insignificant at first. But my mind would water that seed making it grow into a massive tree that outgrew and crushed any determination that was trying to blossom in my mind. I lived most of my life like this. I decided to go to the New Year’s retreat to help empty my mind to confront myself and figure out what caused me to slip so far away from any urge to succeed in my life. For the first time in my life, I decided to be in the moment. Once I left the retreat I began to feel my mind planting determination and, as luck would have it, fear. But I did something I've never done before. I simply stopped watering that seed of fear and began to nurture the determination to change. I had the determination to make simple changes in my life to see what benefits I could receive from them.
My changes were to
- Wake up at 7:00 am
- Switch to an all vegan diet (which included no rice and very little starch)
- Exercise for a half hour every day
- Meditate every morning before I did anything for the day
- Deter me from friends who would encourage and consistently engage in unmindful activities.
My determination was tested on Day 1. My body would try to paralyze itself from getting out of my bed and into the living room to meditate. But I was determined to better my quality of life. Fear of failure conjured in me. “Maybe I’ll do this tomorrow, or next week,” I thought to myself. But during that retreat, I learned to not water that seed of fear. I choose to water the seed of determination. I forced myself out of bed at the wee hour of 7:00 a.m. and meditated right away. My mind was constantly playing tricks on me. My mind used various small things to distract me and before long I could hear a narrative in my head saying things like “My cat is pressing herself in my lap and pushing her head into my hands. I should really give her some attention” but my determination stopped that thought. I had the determination to respond to that thought with “No, she can wait a half an hour. You are here meditating, don’t involve yourself with anything else”. Before long, my mind began to calm itself. My determination was challenged again by not consuming dairy for breakfast. I looked at my vegan food and thought “Maybe I’ll have one egg, I’ll go vegan tomorrow. You ’re going to just give up in a couple of days anyway”. But my determination stopped me. I thought to myself “No, you can do one meal. You are in the here and now, don’t focus on what to eat tomorrow.” In a matter of minutes, I was happily eating my vegan breakfast. The exercise was certainly a problem for being when I began my changes. My body was screaming to stop and that fear had a growth spurt. I could hear myself saying “Just stop! You’re not going to do this tomorrow. Just give up and avoid the sense of shame when you fail”. I mindfully starved that fear. I could hear my determination say “This will be so much better after one week. But just focus on now”. The half-hour was finished before I knew it. I choose to limit my social media intake and decline calls from old friends of mine who only wanted to tell me about the latest scandal among our circle of peers. My determination, still growing and being nurtured, helped me ask myself “How are these conversations helping me? And how am I helping my friends by encouraging such behavior”? I let my phone go to voicemail.
My determination was tested on Day 1. My body would try to paralyze itself from getting out of my bed and into the living room to meditate. But I was determined to better my quality of life. Fear of failure conjured in me. “Maybe I’ll do this tomorrow, or next week,” I thought to myself. But during that retreat, I learned to not water that seed of fear. I choose to water the seed of determination. I forced myself out of bed at the wee hour of 7:00 a.m. and meditated right away. My mind was constantly playing tricks on me. My mind used various small things to distract me and before long I could hear a narrative in my head saying things like “My cat is pressing herself in my lap and pushing her head into my hands. I should really give her some attention” but my determination stopped that thought. I had the determination to respond to that thought with “No, she can wait a half an hour. You are here meditating, don’t involve yourself with anything else”. Before long, my mind began to calm itself. My determination was challenged again by not consuming dairy for breakfast. I looked at my vegan food and thought “Maybe I’ll have one egg, I’ll go vegan tomorrow. You ’re going to just give up in a couple of days anyway”. But my determination stopped me. I thought to myself “No, you can do one meal. You are in the here and now, don’t focus on what to eat tomorrow.” In a matter of minutes, I was happily eating my vegan breakfast. The exercise was certainly a problem for being when I began my changes. My body was screaming to stop and that fear had a growth spurt. I could hear myself saying “Just stop! You’re not going to do this tomorrow. Just give up and avoid the sense of shame when you fail”. I mindfully starved that fear. I could hear my determination say “This will be so much better after one week. But just focus on now”. The half-hour was finished before I knew it. I choose to limit my social media intake and decline calls from old friends of mine who only wanted to tell me about the latest scandal among our circle of peers. My determination, still growing and being nurtured, helped me ask myself “How are these conversations helping me? And how am I helping my friends by encouraging such behavior”? I let my phone go to voicemail.
It
-Miriah Hager
Photo courtesy of Pixabay https://pixabay.com/en/sunset-woman-silhouette-meditation-1815991/